In my small experience with loss, the first year is the worst -- all the milestones -- a year ago we were doing this or that -- and anniversaries. It is a little different losing a person who had dementia, you've been 'losing' them all along, but the finale is so very, well, Final. I feel a bit changed by her years in memory care, then death, kind of tempered -- stronger I hope, not harder. And it is a strange not having parents anymore. The child in me feels unattended, a little uncared for. The adult in me does not feel ready to shoulder the mantle of being the Senior Generation. I can't be a Matriarch (or Aunt-riarch)! I don't know anything, I'm just a kid!
The last time I saw my Mom was about 6 weeks before she died. During that visit, I went with her to get her hair done. Very often with dementia suffers, if they don't understand what is being asked of them, they'll just answer no. Do you want to go for a walk? Do you want to eat lunch? Do you want to have a bath? Do you want to get your hair done? Saying "no" is easier than trying to understand the question in their plaque-addled brains. My Mom's hair, permed & set all her life, had become long & straight because her permanent had grown out, the only 'do' she had was what the aides did after they gave her her shower. So we went together down the hall to the beauty/barber shop where she got a wash, trim & set. She looked nice. Then I did something I had not done in her 3 years in the nursing home: I snapped a photo of her. She looked directly at my camera with this heartbreakingly clear, blank, bleak expression. I love this picture, can still see a glimpse of my Mom there. Then a new filter app that let me turn this photo into a 'watercolor; it took a bit of the edge off the original, making it even more beautiful to me.
11 comments:
Such a moving post...so difficult!!
Sending the biggest hug. The photo of your mother is so beautiful and I love how you've created a watercolour version, I'm sure she would have smiled if she'd seen it.
Your post comforts me. I'm remembering my own mother's death April 12, 1994. Though she wasn't very communicative at the end (6 years in the nursing home) I will never forget that she told me "you've been a good daughter." This is precious praise from a tough, stoic woman who distained any display of emotion and never wanted her kids to think too highly of themselves.
A lovely tribute to your mother and to the first year of your life without her. I can relate to the "midlife orphan" feeling so very well. I don't know if it ever goes away. Maybe it just baffles us less over time.
Sending hugs -- the first year is the hardest because everything is still SO close to the surface. I, too, have one last photo of my mom taken shortly before her death and it comforts me . . . Love how you did the watercolor effect!
Such a heartfelt tribute to your mother and to yourself, the daughter who loved her...And loved her so much that you would make those long distance travels so often. Why is life just so hard?? I, too, like the rest of your friends, send big hugs. I am grateful that you can share with us your feelings and your moving pictures.
I came for a visit from Diane's and I am so happy that I did. My mom passed in September, just entering her 9th year of Alzheimer's. Loss is deep and it is hard and the "long goodbye" of Alzheimer's or Dementia does not lessen the loss one bit. We are just glad they do not have to be so lost any longer. It is truly a lovely photo of your mom. She was in there all along and you knew that. The watercolor is a piece of art, just like the real her deep on the inside. Hugs to you, today and everyday. Smazoochies to you, too :-)
Tender and honest about that first year. Very hard time. And, so true about being a grown-up. I felt sort of orphan-like. Silly, many children do not get to enjoy their parents as long as we did. The photo is lovely. Thanks for sharing.
Hugs to you. it does get easier.
Absolutely beautiful. It does get 'easier' but you will always miss your Mom. It's been twelve years since my mother passed and not a day goes by that I don't want to 'tell' her something. Big hugs to you!
Beth,
I can read this post over and over a million times. Your memories are so precious and that picture is just what you needed for this time after! She looks beautiful making connection with you as if she was looking right at you behind that camera lens. Hugs to you my friend!
Sujata
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